power trip yest. and boo. i was typing...and everything gone blank into darkness.
just like what i am feeling.

i dont know how to feel now.
seriously.
am i just plain strange.
i couldnt figure wats wrong with me. with him.
this morning couldnt get any worse.
if u ask me why i pick on you. perhaps i just wanna pick up a quarell.
i am angry. i hate him. yet...
i dont know what i'm doing. nervous and all. pack the lunch from sch for him.
dont know wats good for him. i tried my best.
i eat really fast and gulp down the hot milo. and try my best to be calm
is not like is my first date.
but the thought of facing him. kind of scares me. like i'm consume with guilt.
yet all the same. i know he's waiting at the gate. he's not well.
perhaps i shouldnt speak too much. too quickly. too hot tempered.
he's sick. perhaps i should spare a thought.
after all he's here like he is always here. accompanying me to the doc.

so long. now.
till now. i never felt a tinge of loneliness. nope.
i'm never really lonely. physically. i kind of like being alone most of the time.
all the while. i wish i could spare him some thoughts. think abt him.
i wish i could be a better girl friend, truly. i'm not.
i do not want prove whether i can be better. i do not wish to be judge.
i dont wish to say anything or be bothered by what's going on. i do not want to rip his freedom apart chain him to my soul and never set him free. thats not me thats truly not me.
i need not companionship.
perhaps a call. a hug. a concern from you.
i have 10000000% of everything. his love. overwhelming.
like my heart could take it? it starts to break apart, tore me.

but somehow. his sincerity. from his eyes. from his lips. his words.
i hear. i listen.
beneathe all this facade of his. perhaps he's not as jovial as he appears to be.
he puts on a happy face to cheer to drive my sorrows away.
am i his drive for his happiness for his sorrows for his emotions.
i am all his feelings.
cant i make him mine too? then i might smile every single day in my life.
why am i compressed? to a square box of nothings.
i try to dance away from crowds.
i'm just trying to search for myself.
i'm lost.in this game of life.
i cant gamble. gamble with love. i might lose.

i'm not sad now. i shouldnt cry just now.
so aggitated.why should i care. feel like giving up everything now.
why do i care for such menial stuff that does not symbolise anything abt the relationship. is all abt principles, trust, faith and so much deeper meanings.
maybe i should stop being stubborn and take life in strides.
i wanna love him. truly.
like how i used to shower him with love.
i know wats love.
i know even i'm wrong i'm still hurting him like i want to.
pull me back. hold me back.
his love shove me into a corner.
hard to stand up now. all weak and feeble to face the storms.

my emotions a whirl.
my capacity of love is so full.
i'm so full of myself.

love's not like this.there's give and take.
i can do it. why am i backing away.
all comes in here. where's all the pressure i'm facing.
sometimes just here sometimes there.
all factors closing in on me.
if i have a life. i would have make sense out of it.
tell me logical rationality. tell me!
but bull shit, i know all this at the back of my mind.
words cant comfort me. only my spiritual self can.
be strong. i should pray.
be strong. i should...

there's him standing there. with an umbrella a smile. to shelter me and give me sunshine. there's me here with a dark cloud a frown and lots of problems on my shoulder.

ps: time will tell. can i hold ur hand once more... i wanna be the one to give u warm too...